Left Behind
by tbka
Summary: WiP: “War doesn’t determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind.” .::.Spoilers for Ch. 328.::. .::.Ch. 5, Kakashi POV again, Up!.::.
1. Kakashi

**Left Behind**

_**SPOILER ALERT!: **Spoilers for Ch. 328! You have been warned!_

_**Summary: **One Shot: "War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind."_

_**Genre: **Drama_

_**Rating: **K_

_**Author Notes: **So I'm jumping on the bandwagon, I couldn't help it! Asuma's my second favourite character, I had to write this story._

_I still can't believe what happened in Ch. 328. HOW DARE THEY DO THAT/sob/_

_**Disclaimer: **Me not own Naruto, please don't sue._

**_Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors…blah…blah…blah._**

**Please R&R…Thanks!**

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_**Part of The Kakashi Chronicles, that currently include (in chronological order):**  
Fade to Black  
Black Day  
Self-Sustained Hell  
Left Behind_  
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The rain pours heavily. I hear every audible pop as each drop of water breaks apart upon the muddy ground and the stone in front of me.

Over a thousand names heave been carved into this stone before me. Hundreds of these names are there because of my decisions; my mistakes. Names of friends and comrades who gave their life for this village, gave their life for their final mission.

Another name was added yesterday. Another death because of me.

I kneel down on the hard stone and touch the newly carved name. So much sharper than the other names. So much rawer than the other memories. Time hasn't had its chance to dull the carving, nor the memory.

Another name to join the others. Another name that I will never be able to forget. A friend I've failed, that I couldn't protect. Over time his memory will become a dull ache at the back of my mind; never forgotten but not quite remembered. I can't let myself remember. If I let myself remember than I won't be able to trudge on along my own path of life.

"It was suppose to be me," I inform the man behind me, "I refused the mission because I had to train Naruto," my voice is breaking but it doesn't bother me.

This man has seen me cry before.

"It was the first mission I've ever refused," the rain hides my tears; keeps my dignity intact.

"No one could've predicted this," the man replies in an attempt to comfort me.

"It should be my name," I whisper as a flash of lightening causes strange shadows to dance across the stone.

My hand still rests on that name. It shouldn't be him, it should be me. It always should be me.

"This isn't right, this has never been right," I choke out between my sobs.

"War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind," the man's voice reaches my ears.

The rain and wind distorts the sound, causes his voice to rise and fall in pitch at random intervals.

We fall into silence. Broken only by the sound of the rain and the thunder that crashes overhead. Even Obito's Sharingan couldn't see that this was coming, couldn't foresee his death.

I hear the man's footsteps fade away as he leaves.

"Jiraiya-senpai," I whisper. The footsteps stop.

I lean my head against the cold, wet, unforgiving stone and squeeze my eyes shut. My hand still covers the name that shouldn't be there.

"Take care of Naruto," I mutter, "Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid...and keep an eye on Sakura too."

"You better not go and do anything stupid yourself," Jiraiya's rough voice floats through the wind, "He wouldn't want you to give up now. Not after all he gave up to save you."

I listen as his footsteps fade out of hearing range.

"I'm sorry," I whisper to the cold stone.

I know he can't hear me. No one I talk to here can actually hear me. Yet somehow I still find comfort in speaking to these friends I can no longer see. Does that make me insane? Probably. Do I care? Not particularly.

The rain starts to lessen, the thunder and lightening fade into the distance. The storm is no longer here to hide the sobs I can't stop nor the torrent of tears that flow freely from my closed eyes. I don't know how long I stay here; leaning against the Memorial Stone.

Eventually my tears run dry, my throat becomes too raw to cry anymore and my eyes feel as if they're full of sand. I don't mind though, I don't mind crying for him. He deserves my tears, my broken mask and shattered emotions. He deserves to see them, even if he is dead.

Dead. Such a final word: such a harsh word. You don't come back from death. There's no return from the other side.

I open my eyes, blinking back the last remaining tears. My hand still covers his mocking name. My fingertips are raw and bleeding, but from what? I faintly remember scratching at his name. Or maybe it was more of a clawing action, I can't quite remember. I tend to lose control of myself during the rare times that I let my emotions overrun me.

I lift my hand off the stone and stare at that name. Blood from my torn fingertips has pooled inside the letters. This name has been carved near the bottom where it's protected from the weather a little more than some of the other names.

"Your name will take a lot longer to wear down and fade then some of the other names have taken," my hoarse voice whispers into the wind.

I always thought that if you were only my 'almost-friend' then I wouldn't be the cause of your death. I was wrong.

The steady stream of murders began with Uchiha Obito, all those years ago.

This time around it starts with you, Sarutobi Asuma, my friend.

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_**Author's Notes: **When Jiraiya says, "War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind," it is a play on the Bertrand Russell quote, "War does not determine who is right – only who is left."_

_I may continue this story, exploring how other characters deal/react with this death, but I may not. It's kind of up to you, the reader, to tell me if I should continue this in a review. So, should I or shouldn't I continue?  
_

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	2. Jiraiya

**Left Behind **

**_SPOILER ALERT!: _**_Spoilers for Ch. 328! You have been warned! _

**_Summary: "_**_War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind."_

**_Genre: _**_Drama _

**_Rating: _**_K _

**_Author Notes: _**_So I've decided to continue this story…go me? _

**_Disclaimer: _**_Me not own Naruto, please don't sue. _

**_Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors…blah…blah…blah. _****Please R&R…Thanks! **

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The rain pours heavily as thunder crashes over head. The sun's rays desperately try to penetrate the clouds' thick barrier but its attempt fails miserably.

A figure, one lonely Jounin, is crouched before the Memorial Stone. His body is hidden in shadows, barely discernable from its surroundings.

A new name was added to the Memorial Stone yesterday. A death no one saw coming, a death no one thought could ever happen. A death that I know the man before me believes is his fault. Another death to add to his subconscious, a memory of a friend he will never be able to forget.

I often wonder how he's managed to avoid walking down the path of revenge. Most people, if they were in his shoes, would wish to avenge the deaths that he has had to deal with.

"It was suppose to be me," his cracking voice cuts through the cold wind, "I refused the mission because I had to train Naruto."

This isn't the first time I've seen him cry.

"It was the first mission I've ever refused," the rain hides his tears; keeps his dignity intact.

The rain also hides my tears. Sandaime's son is a shinobi worthy of tears, a shinobi worthy of grief and sadness. A shinobi worthy of memory.

"No on could've predicted this," I reply in a pitiful attempt to comfort the broken Jounin.

"It should be my name," he whispers as a flash of lightening causes strange shadows to dance across his body.

The rain and wind distorts sound, causes his voice to rise and fall in pitch at random intervals.

"This isn't right," he chokes out between his sobs, "this has never been right."

"War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind," I shove my hands into my pockets.

We fall into silence. Broken only by the sound of the rain and the thunder that crashes overhead. Water soaks my clothes, sends chills up my spin. I turn around and walk away. I'm not like Kakashi, I can't stay out here and grieve without feeling the affects of nature. He, on the other hand, becomes blind to all that his around him when he's like this – when his emotions take over.

"Jiraiya-senpai," his shattered voice reaches my ears, barely audible. I stop walking.

"Take care of Naruto," he mutters, "Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid...and keep an eye on Sakura too."

"You better not go and do anything stupid yourself," I reply, "He wouldn't want you to give up now. Not after all he gave up to save you."

I begin walking away again. Away from this broken soul and tortured mind. Asuma gave up so much to keep Kakashi alive and yet in the end it's Asuma that may kill him. I don't know who this death will affect more; Kurenai or Kakashi?

I'd say it will affect Kurenai more in the short-term but Kakashi more in the long-term. Kurenai will move on, Kurenai will remember but will find closure somehow. Kakashi will never forget and never find closure. Grief will be a harsh reminder for Kurenai while guilt will tear Kakashi apart.

I made a promise to Sakumo to look after Kakashi, to make sure he takes care of himself. I made a promise knowing full well that I will never be able to fulfill it. Kakashi will never let himself be helped, Kakashi will never let others take care of him. Kakashi would rather suffer alone then let anyone else help him.

Yet somehow Asuma managed to break through Kakashi's barrier. It was Asuma that has kept Kakashi alive all these years. And Asuma never made a promise to look after Kakashi…Asuma wasn't bonded to Kakashi through Sakumo.

In the end it was the one that wasn't forced to help Kakashi who helped with him. Maybe Kakashi knew all along that Sarutobi cared for him because of a promise he made Sakumo. Maybe Kakashi knows that I made the same promise to Sakumo. He probably does – Kakashi doesn't miss details like that.

Kakashi knows I made the same promise that Sakumo did. And Kakashi knows that I, along with Sarutobi, failed to fulfill that promise. But Asuma didn't. Asuma fulfilled the promise that he didn't even make.

Asuma is the sole reason that Copy nin Kakashi is still alive. Asuma is the sole reason that the son of Konoha's White Fang is still breathing, still protecting Konoha.

Asuma is dead.

Who will Kakashi live for now? Who will keep him breathing? Who will keep that faint spark of desire burning inside of him? He's lost everything again, just like when he was fourteen…when Yondaime died.

Asuma's death is tragic in itself. But Asuma's death might just bring upon Kakashi's death. And Kakashi's death might just bring upon the fall of Konoha and the success of Akatsuki.

I shake my head slightly to try and clear my thoughts. Asuma was always the shadow behind Kakashi. The one who kept Kakashi alive but got none of the glory or recognition. Even in death I'm still more concerned about Kakashi than anyone else. I'm worried about Kakashi's possible death instead of recognizing and grieving Asuma's passing.

Kakashi is the one with all the glory…Asuma was just the shadow behind him – the pillar of strength.

Maybe it's about time I fulfill that promise I made Sakumo. Maybe it's about time I become that pillar of strength for Kakashi.

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**_Author's Notes: _**_When Jiraiya says, "War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind," it is a play on the Bertrand Russell quote, "War does not determine who is right – only who is left." _


	3. Kurenai

**Left Behind**

_**SPOILER ALERT!: **Spoilers for Ch. 328! You have been warned!_

_**Summary: "**War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind."_

_**Genre: **Drama_

_**Rating: **K+_

_**Author Notes: **None, yah? _

_**Disclaimer: **Me not own Naruto, please don't sue._

_**Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors…blah…blah…blah.**_

**Please R&R…Thanks!**

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I'm a fool. Oh, how I've been a fool. My whole life has been waiting. Just waiting patiently for my time. Waiting for when I'll be able to live my life.

Waiting for Kakashi to die.

I know that sounds mean. I flinch whenever I think about it. I'm not a bitch by nature – it just so happens that I'm one towards Kakashi. Well, internally I'm a bitch towards Kakashi. After all, he was Asuma's best friend – I couldn't possibly **act** like a bitch towards him. Asuma probably wouldn't have forgiven me if I did.

Look at me, talking of Asuma in the past tense. It didn't take long for me to become accustomed to his absence. I can only guess that that's because I am a kunoichi – death was always an option I had to be prepared for.

But it was Kakashi's death I was waiting for. You see, it's not because I hated Kakashi. No, I didn't hate Kakashi at all – I more of pitied him. Though I wouldn't dare say that to his face. He doesn't like having anyone's pity, he doesn't think he needs it.

No, I didn't want Kakashi dead because I hated him, I wanted him dead because he stole **my** time with Asuma.

Is that being selfish? Is that being a bitch? It probably is. But I can't help it. I've been waiting for Kakashi to die for years so that Asuma and I can actually start our life together. Our whole life together had been planned around Kakashi. After all, Sakumo's son is a troubled genius who really can't be allowed to die – he is needed for the safety of Konoha. Kakashi needed Asuma to take care of him, to care for him, to be there and be his friend.

But I needed Asuma too. And this is where I was a fool. Instead of asking for Asuma's time, instead of insisting that he care for me too, I let him go. I let him ignore me so that he can take care of Kakashi. I always believed that, in the end, Kakashi would die before any of us – whether by his own hands or that of someone else's. It didn't seems like a bad plan at the time. After all, Kakashi goes on the most dangerous and deadly missions that Konoha has – to die in one of them is not a very far-fetched hope.

Except it's Kakashi. And to think that Kakashi would die in a mission, any mission at all, seems like fool's hope now when I look back on it. This is Kakashi we're talking about – he wouldn't let himself die until he knows for a fact that Konoha will be safe without him. And right now Konoha could potentially crumble if he died.

And so I am left here, left to stare at the Memorial Stone that Kakashi himself so often frequents. Left to wait, and imagine, and wish. Asuma was suppose to grow old with me, love me, die with me. We were suppose to get married, have children, have a life together. But that was shattered long ago when Asuma took it upon himself to care for Kakashi's well-being. I still can't understand why Asuma took that job or why he thought he needed too. Sakumo's son was doing fine before Asuma came along. And sure, he might be a little more unstable now if Asuma hadn't been there to hold his hand, but he would still be here.

I've sit back and watch my life slip away as sand slips through one's fingers. My life was stolen, twisted, and broken by Kakashi. He took the one I needed most for himself without even thinking about me. But no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I want to, I can't actually hate Kakashi for it. I just can't.

He's been through so much – far more then any of us. He deserved a friend, he deserved someone he could trust and talk to. Who was I to take that away from him? Who was I to give more pain to one who had already be dealt a cruel hand by fate? It was not my place to take away what Kakashi needed and deserved. And so I waited in the background for my time, for my chance, for my place in the spotlight.

But it never came. Now Asuma's body is burnt – his secrets destroyed for the protection of this village. His name carved into the cold gray stone of this Memorial meant to give some sort of closure where none can be received.

In some ways we – Asuma, Kakashi, and I – were stuck in a love triangle. We both wanted, we both needed, Asuma to be with us. We needed his caring concern, his comfort, and most importantly – his understanding. But Kakashi was the winner, he got Asuma because he was the closes to falling – he was the closes to dieing. I wasn't. So therefore I could wait, or so Asuma must've thought.

Don't get me wrong – I was never completely ignored. Asuma was always there for me when I really needed him. But between his missions, my missions, and Kakashi our time together was short. It was lovely, it was sweet, and it was hot but it was short. And it was all because I had been the fool. I should've known how this would end. After all, it was determined when it begun.

All those close to Kakashi end up dieing. It is a cruel thing to say but history has proven it true again and again. Fate is not kind to Kakashi and I should've known that the closer Asuma got to Kakashi to closer Asuma inched to death. But I denied it – I couldn't face it. They were friends and I foolishly believed that Kakashi would never let someone get close to him if he feared it would bring upon their death.

But then I am reminded of the fact that Kakashi had tried desperately to push Asuma away, to make sure they never became friends. He tried for all he was worth but failed. Asuma had decided that he was going to save Kakashi and he would not be deterred.

And so here we are, two people standing side by side at the Memorial Stone. I cry but he does not – I'm not surprised. I know he's cried in private, I know he will continue to grieve. I will move on, he will not – for that is what history has taught me. Kakashi will never forgive himself for Asuma's death while I have no reason to blame myself for Asuma's death. I did nothing wrong, and in theory, neither did Kakashi. It was Kakashi's right to refuse that mission – even if it was the first mission he has ever refused.

This strange love triangle – where both Kakashi and I struggled to gain the attention of Asuma – has been destroyed. When a triangle is whole it is strong, it can suffer through much. But take away one point and it will collapse upon itself, its strength lost to the undying void of grief. Three has now become two.

A small part of me might hate Kakashi but the truth of the matter is that he's still a good friend and is stronger then I can ever hope to be. When I knocked on is door, consumed with grief and with no where idea of where to go, he let me in with no question. He made me my favourite tea and held me when I cried. He did not protest when I kissed him, he did not deny me the rebound sex I was searching for.

I know, deep down, that he didn't want what I forced him to give me. But yet he did not refuse what I needed – even if he hated it. He was there for me, in every way. He gave me what I needed with no protest and no questions. Even now, many days later, he doesn't speak of what occurred, of what I made him give. He holds no resentment to me – he thinks no less of me. Perhaps he knows we all deal with our grief in different ways.

It must seem strange that the first person I go running too after Asuma's death is the man who took Asuma away from me. In truth, I cannot explain it myself and I don't know why it happened – it just did. And to me, at that time, it felt right.

But I will not ask such a thing from Kakashi ever again, it is not my place. And it is not what Asuma would've wanted. I can only hope the man I loved will forgive me for my wrongdoings. And I have a feeling he probably will – after all, Asuma has always been known for his understanding.

"You're going to kill them aren't you?" I question the silver-haired, masked Jounin beside me.

He doesn't turn to look at me but he does respond. "Yes."

"Vengeance has yet to give you anything in return," I say, "So why would it be different this time?"

"I don't do it for me anymore," Kakashi whispers, "I do it for everyone else."

"For everyone else," I repeat as the wind dries the tears on my cheeks. My voice drops to a barely audible whisper, "For everyone else."

He turns and walks away, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I wonder if he knows the pain he's unintentionally caused me over the years? The pain that I feel ashamed and guilty for even feeling.

"It's always been for everyone else," I mutter into the wind, "Never for yourself Kakashi… never for yourself."


	4. Tsunade

**Left Behind**

_**SPOILER ALERT!: **Spoilers for Ch. 328! You have been warned!_

_**Summary: "**War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind."_

_**Genre: **Drama_

_**Rating: **K_

_**Author Notes: **I think I managed to royally screw up the verb tenses… I found it incredibly difficult to keep them all straight in this chapter. //shrugs// If you see any mistakes just point them out and I'll fix them to the best of my ability. _

_**Disclaimer: **Me not own Naruto, please don't sue._

**_Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors…blah…blah…blah._**

**Please R&R…Thanks!**

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I had found him at Asuma's apartment – just standing there. It was an odd sight but I can't say I had been surprised. After all, if I hadn't thought he would be there then I wouldn't have looked. I had searched for him with the intention of assigning him a mission.

But then I saw his eyes.

Yes, his eyes. Both of them, the black one and the red one. I knew as soon as I saw them that there would be no point in asking anything of him. He had decided his own mission already and I knew that nothing I could say would sway his decision.

A part of me had been surprised, a part of me hadn't been. I'd always thought he was a more rationally thinker, that he would understand the folly of revenge. After all, he had gone down that road many times before and got nothing in return – he will even tell you that if you ask. But then I think, so many people had come and gone through his life but only a few have stuck by him – only a few he has been able to call friends. Now that one of those rare friends, one of his rare companions, has been killed the only logically step would be revenge.

I guess it depends how you look at it – through the rules or the emotions. And that's something I've never quite managed to figure out about Kakashi. Sometimes he is completely for the rules and only the rules while other times he completely disregards them and follows only his emotions. It's a role of the dice with him… a gamble… and that isn't a particularly good thing.

I remember that he was crying as he stood in that apartment. It wasn't the first time I've seen him cry but it was the first time I've seen him be so completely lost. It makes me thankful that I wasn't the one to tell Kurenai – for if Kakashi is this much of an emotionally wreck I can only imagine how hard it is for Kurenai.

"It was my mission," he had said, turning his head away from me.

I had stayed at the door, almost afraid to step inside. He was so fragile looking, so lost, so broken. It was a rare sight for one to behold and there was almost something beautifully relieving about – a sign that Kakashi is just like the rest of us. That this shinobi does feel, does have a soul, does feel pain. That he isn't just a murderous tool.

"You had every right to refuse it," I had replied, "No one holds that against you."

"That's what hurts the most," he had whispered, "I know it's my fault but no one will believe that except me."

"No one will believe it because it's not true," I had answered, unsure of what I should say or do.

A part of me had wanted to take him in my arms… comfort him. Give him some sort of relief. But I had known that whatever I offered he would not accept – and I doubt it would've been enough anyways. So I had simply left, closing the door softly behind me. I stood there for awhile, back against the door, listening to the sounds of quiet sobs. It had alarmed me, shocked me, even disturbed me. It didn't seem right then, and it still doesn't now. Kakashi isn't suppose to cry, he isn't suppose to care. But he does.

Because he's human. Because he's just like the rest of us. It's a hard thing for me to accept, even now. Asuma's death just drove that fact into my mind even more. I now know that I can't keep sending him on the missions I do send him on. I can't keep pushing him without giving him breaks. I know he doesn't show it but it hurts him, it's hard for him. He hides it well, he always has.

Of course, there's been times when he has slipped. Where the emotions become too much for him to hide. There have been times when he has cracked and fallen, where he has needed help to get back on his feet.

And it was always Asuma that was there for him. Who would it be now? I know it can't be me for I couldn't even comfort him when I found him at Asuma's apartment. I couldn't re-enter that place after I had exited. I had stood there, back to the door, for a very, very long time. Possibly over an hour, I'm not too sure. I just stood there and listened to the sobs of the destroyed man. Eventually they had stopped but he hadn't left and I couldn't bring myself to open the door again. I couldn't bring myself to see him so broken – I don't have the strength myself to do that.

So I had left then. Returned to my office. Returned to where I am now. Returned to my job and the numbing routine of it.

And signed his death certificate. It was the final step needed to confirm his death. It was the dotting of the 'i's and the crossing of the 't's. It was the final straw, the stake to the heart. The reality struck me cold and hard. Weighed down on my mind. It took awhile but I finally realized I was crying. I figured out that if I focused hard enough on the floor then I could still my thoughts and stop the tears – but the grief wouldn't leave.

The Sandaime's son was dead. It was a hard pill to swallow. How could the son of the Third Hokage die? He was meant to live long. He was meant to grow old, marry Kurenai, have children. He wasn't meant to die.

It really was meant to be Kakashi.

But then I think… if Kakashi had gone on that mission would he have died or would he have been successful? I know 'what-if' questions are not healthy to wonder over but I can't help it. This could've been a drastically different result if Kakashi had gone.

And I can't help feeling a little bit of resentment towards the Copy Nin. After all, I had given him the mission. What was it that caused him to refuse? Naruto's training could've been overseen by Yamato throughout the whole time – Kakashi didn't really _need_ to be there.

But he wanted to be. Which in itself is quite remarkable. Kakashi wants very little and gets even less then what he wants. But I can't help wondering if he knew, if he had a feeling that the mission would be a failure.

But wouldn't he have been more likely to go if he thought the mission would fail? Hasn't his whole life been revolved around trying to protect others? Yet, it is a gamble with Kakashi – always has been. His one of those people that you will never be able to figure out, no matter what. I don't think_ he's_ even figured out himself.

Asuma knew him though, knew him better then anyone. He figured out Kakashi, could give him what no one else could. Asuma alone managed to break through to Kakashi, managed to see the man beneath the mask more than anyone else.

Asuma was Kakashi's pillar of strength, his go-to man, his support. Kakashi got the glory while Asuma stood in his shadow and quietly gave all he had to save the Sharingan user. But with Asuma gone what will happen now? So many questions now linger in the air. Questions that only time will be able to give the answer too.

Who would be Team 10's Sensei now? Should I give the job to Kakashi for the time being? It would seem like the logically choice. All four of them seek revenge so why not put them together? But that could be a disaster too. They might all let their emotions control them and not take the time nor the thought to execute their revenge in the safest way. They could die, all four of them, if I put them together and send them out to kill those who murdered the one they cared so much for.

The right thing to do would probably be to keep all four of them on watch and not let them attempt to attain their revenge. But I know already that restraining them would only hurt them more. They would all simply defy my orders and leave anyways. And that would even be worse.

"You've caused a lot of trouble by dieing Asuma," I whisper to the empty office.

I stand up from my desk and walk over to one of the many windows. The day is still and the sky overcast.

"Shikamaru said he'd keep an eye on Kurenai for you." I can't believe I'm talking to myself now. "I guess I'll have to keep an eye on Kakashi for you now."

You touched more people then you knew Asuma.


	5. Kakashi again

**Left Behind**

_**SPOILER ALERT!: **Spoilers for Ch. 328! You have been warned!_

_**Summary: "**War doesn't determine who is right and who is wrong, only who is left behind."_

_**Genre: **Drama_

_**Rating: **K_

_**Author Notes: **Another Kakashi POV… I couldn't help it. It's a different take on what I normally do – nothing but dialogue in this one. Just Kakashi visiting the Memorial Stone and having a little one-sided conversation._

_Also, for regular readers of my _Kakashi Chronicle_ series you might be able to pick up on some little allusions and hints on what's to come in _Fade To Black_ and following stories… just to tie you over until I update (which will be very, very soon since it's Spring Break right now, I promise!)._

_**Disclaimer: **Me not own Naruto, please don't sue._

**_Please excuse any grammatical or spelling errors…blah…blah…blah._**

**Please R&R…Thanks!**

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"I wish I could've told you the things that were on my mind. I wish I could've said out loud how my life is. You gave me the opportunity to talk and I ran away – ran away so many times. I was afraid. Afraid of putting you in a position where you would know things about me that no one else did and asking you to stay silent about them. I was afraid. Afraid that you wouldn't sty silent about them – afraid you would seek help for me when I didn't do it for myself. I was afraid. Afraid of your rejection because it would hurt so much to lose you and I didn't think that I could take it. Everyone thinks that they know so much about me but they don't, no one fully knows, no one ever can.

"When fear becomes your life it's difficult to just put it behind you. When you're used to just coping and existing it's hard to know how to live when the opportunity arises. I thought ignoring the past would change the way I felt about life now. I thought that I would just be able to move on with my life.

"But I couldn't. Because the past will never fade, the memories still haunt me – still plague me. They're like an illness I can't cure. And I already have enough real illnesses to deal with that I don't need a fake, emotional one to attack me.

"You know. It gets to the point where you have covered things up for so long that you literally don't know how to tell the truth about them anymore. You think you're losing your voice – the words you want to say slip from your tongue. It becomes impossible to speak of the past when you hide from it for so long.

"Fear doesn't come close to describing anything. Pain isn't a word that covers even half of what I've been made to feel. I died a little inside every time I was betrayed, every time someone showed me their real colours – and trust me, it happened a lot. I have never since been able to find what I had, what I used to be. I'm not even sure I had the time to become someone before I was broken. They would hurt me and I would do nothing, you know. Just stay silent, just wait, just pretend it wasn't happening. I've always been good at that, always could pretend.

"It's amazing really. Amazing how unclean, how dirty, how guilty a person can feel and still stay silent. Still pretend. I never did anything to stop anyone from hurting me. I never fought back and I never said no. They always did what they wanted and left me a little more broken each and every time.

"And I would always go back. That's what hurts the most, you know. I would always go back. The only thing that made me feel like I wanted to live was that they always took me back – just to hurt me again. I've never been right in the head, never could understand that I shouldn't go back.

"I see them sometimes. It's funny because I know they're not alive. They either killed themselves or I killed them. Usually the second one. But I still see them – living their lives. And I think; how can they do that? How can they live as if nothing had happened. Then I realize that they're really dead and that it's not really that hard anyways. Hell, I live everyday as if I was never hurt, as if it never happened. I just pretend.

"I know that I deserve this. That it's the price I pay for covering things up. I just wish there wasn't such a big price to pay for everything that happened, for everything that I didn't do.

"And now, now this has all become something that freezes inside me. Something that sticks in my throat, something that I can never say. Something, that even now, tears me apart. I tear myself apart because it's the only thing I know how to do. I will never be able to say this, will never find the words to adequately describe the pain inside, or the way that it was then.

"Can you forgive me for being so weak, for letting my past haunt me in this way?

"I always thought that one day – just one day – I would tell you. You know. In the near future. We had plenty of time… no need to worry. We were friends, we were young, we were skilled. There was no way either of us would die before I got the chance to speak what I needed to say.

"But then you went of and got yourself killed. And now I stand by the Memorial Stone, a slab of black marble, and speak the words I could never say when you still breathed.

"I wonder, you know. Think a lot. Do you resent me? Did I ever betray you? I know I hurt you. I know I hurt you a lot. But did I ever cause you the same terrible, unbearable pain that so many have dealt to me? Dear God I wish I didn't. But I wonder. Because I know that it's quite plausible that I could've. When it happens so much to someone it becomes like a poison to them that they pass on without knowing. I hope I never did. I hope that somehow I spared passing on my poison to you.

"But I can't be sure. I can't be positive. I fear that I contaminated you. I fear I destroyed you. Sometimes I wonder if you took the mission just because you knew how risky it was and you knew that there was a high chance you would die. I wonder if you took the mission so that you could die and be free of me.

"Perhaps I'm overreacting. But I can't help it. I never meant to hurt you – I hope you know that. I never meant to cause you pain. And I hope I never hurt you so much that you wanted to die. Because I fear that that happened – and it tears me up inside. It's painful for me to just think about how much pain I caused you. It hurts so much knowing that I hurt you.

"I never meant to. But I can't help it, I've never been able to. And I think now. I wonder if I can live without you. I wonder if I can cope. You saved my life so many times. You always found me at just the right time… never too late. I can't even count the number of times you found me overdosed and nearly dead – there's too many. I'm alive today because of you.

"But you're not here now. And I fear I won't be alive for long. Your death hurts – like a knife through the heart. It aches. Because I know it's my fault. It was my mission but I refused. It's kind of funny you know – the first mission I ever refuse causes the death of my best friend. A coincident or a sign? I'm not sure.

"I was planning on overdosing tonight… you know. Maybe die, maybe not. Leave it in the hands of fate. I've already avenged you death and got nothing out of it – like always – so there's no real point in me staying around anymore. But then, you know, there's your child and all that I have to consider. Shikamaru is being pretty adamant about protecting Kurenai and helping to raise your child. But Shikamaru's still a kid himself and there needs to be someone else there.

"I like to think that I'd be able to help but I don't know if I can. I really don't know if I can handle raising a child. Not after… not after… while, you know. I can't even speak of it and I expect to be able to deal with it. But I can't. I'll never be able to forget and therefore I'd probably never be able to help raise your child – I'd be useless. It's funny though, cause everyone always said I was such a good father before. But now, now I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

"I'm not sleeping anymore. I never really did before, never really have. But now it's worse. It's hard because I wasn't there. I didn't see what happened – I didn't see how you died. Shikamaru told me, when I asked. It was painful for him to speak of it and I wish I didn't have to know – but I always have to know, that's just me. It was probably painful. I don't know if that's good or bad. I guess you got the big bang you always wanted. You died with flare, you died in a way that will be remembered. That's what you wanted so in the end I guess it worked out – for you at least.

"I keep imagining what happened. Little scenes play out in my head based on my own knowledge and what Shikamaru told me. Scenes of how you died. Some are more painful to watch then others. I can't turn them off either. Once they start I'm trapped. I guess they're delusions but I don't know for a fact. I should probably go get some medication for them but I already take so many pills – I don't really feel like having to take anymore.

"You know. I realized today that I don't really know much about you. It's kind of too late to ask now, since you're dead and all. But everything was always about me. I wonder if that's the way you wanted it. You know so much about me. Almost everything that I've ever gone through you know about it. It wasn't always easy for you to get it out of me either, was it?

"There's so many questions I want to ask you. So many things I'd like to know. Too bad I didn't think about them until it was too late. Too bad I didn't realize my mistakes until it was too late. But that isn't too surprising for me – it always seems to end up like that.

"I cut yesterday. It bled for a long time. I felt guilty, like always. But it was harder then normal, you know. Your place is empty and there's no where left for me to go. I still go there sometimes – just because it smells of you. That's kind of stalker-ish really. And if your offended or creeped out then I'm sorry. But it's really the only way I can cope.

"If I pretend hard enough it feels like you're just on a mission, like you just haven't come back. It helps a bit. But then I snap back to reality and realize that yes, you haven't come back, but unfortunately you never will. You don't return from death.

"It would probably be easier to forget about you, lock your memory away. It would work for awhile but eventually I would crack. Only this time you won't be here to pick up the pieces and glue me back together. So I'm on my own and I guess I have to figure out a way to cope or else I'll be joining you.

"I've been craving drugs since the day you died. I won't lie – I've caved a couple times. It's hard not too… especially when the pain is this strong. Every time I do them though I think of you. You gave up so much to get me clean and now it's all gone to waste. I'm sorry, you know. Sorry for wasting your time, sorry for wasting your life. It's okay if you don't forgive me – I'll understand.

"I wonder why I do this. I wonder why I can never find the words to say until it's too late. I always end up talking openly to my friends once they're dead – never alive. Maybe it's because I don't have to worry about what you'll think or if you'll reject me after.

"I'm pathetic, but you already know that. I'm hopeless, but you already know that too. I need you… yet that makes me feel even more pathetic and hopeless because it makes me realize how dependant I am on others to get me through my life. And this is all too much for me to handle anymore.

"I keep wondering when I'm going to wake up from this… because that is what it all feels like, a nightmare. Except it's not… it's reality… and I hate it. Maybe that's why all I do with my times is read, or attempt to sleep, because it's easier to not cope and to pretend then to actually face what I have to face.

"I've created this mess and I know I need to change but I'm terrified. I don't know how to go about changing. I come up with a plan and then question it. I'm constantly in battle with myself. One minute I'm thinking rationally, the next I'm all over the place.

"I just need to breathe and figure this all out. But at the same time, every time I think I've got everything under control something else pops up that causes me equal amounts of stress, or fear, or pain, or some sort of twisted combination of all three.

"Time is my enemy…

"If I could turn back time I would. If I could speed time ahead I would. Hell – if I could even freeze time I would. It's the fact that tomorrow is another day that scares me the most because I know that I cannot take back what I've done and that I have to face it and that terrifies me. But I guess it's about time that I do take responsibility for my actions and get my shit together.

"But tomorrow. Oh God, tomorrow I hope I just don't wake up. But I know I won't be that lucky – I've never been a lucky one.

"I wake-up in the morning, or the afternoon, or the evening – depending on when I went to bed and when I actually fell asleep – and I feel like trash. I should be thrown out with the morning newspaper and breakfast cereal. I'll be devoured by the rats as the garbage man tosses me without a glance into the compactor, back to my rightful place on top of the heap that is my kingdom.

"I had an urge to cut my hair yesterday – chop it all off. I have no idea why. It doesn't really make sense. Of course I didn't because that would just be silly and too many people would question me on my mental health if I suddenly reported for missions with a bald head. I was tempted to though, just to see the reactions of other people. If I was a little more brave, a little more confident, I might've done it. If you were still here by my side then I might've done. It would've definitely made for a good story in the latter years of life, if I survive that long.

"You know, I think I'm dieing for a reason to live. That's not really a particularly good thing, but at least I now know that much. Whether that's helpful to me or not, I have no idea.

"It must seem odd to you, for me to be so nonchalant about this all. But the fact is that I don't think this has really sunk in yet. I think I'm still hoping that you'll come back alive, that this is all one big mistake – or maybe a genjutsu – anything to let me keep on pretending. After all, you and I both know how good am at at pretending.

"I feel scared for some reason. Of course I don't show it. But I feel nervous and anxious. Like something crazy is going to happen to me… I've been feeling like this for awhile… it's a really crappy feeling – trust me. I walk into my apartment and I think someone is there waiting to kill me… which is fine really, I wouldn't mind all too much.

"I hate being so paranoid like his. Maybe it's because I feel so alone now that you're gone. It's weird… I always thought that I didn't need you but now I know I do – only it's too late. Like always.

"I guess I should go now. I've been here for quite awhile and it's raining. Kind of cold really. I wonder what time it is now. I think I got here around two in the morning, it must be around seven now. I think I have a mission… I don't really want to go but I must. Maybe I'll be back, maybe not.

"I hope I die in this one."


End file.
